Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.