I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.