I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.