“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus