DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
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Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
is this a warning or an offer?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Perfect