This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
you know what ruined my childhood? children
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.