I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Aight bet
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.