I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
You can’t rush stupid.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
(Gaming support cat.)
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.