I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Chicago sounds lovely.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face