Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
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dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
damn he’s good
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Somebody call the cops.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce