DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I just tested negative for patience.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.