I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
You Might Also Like
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Warm pools make me nervous.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?