My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that