Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
✌🏽
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that