The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
You Might Also Like
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN