HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The Punning Dead.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??