A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Squirrels before girls.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Noah was an idiot.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl