booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
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[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.