🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I think this should do it.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…