me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
You Might Also Like
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”