Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR