grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Just got to our Airbnb!
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.