You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.