Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.