Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
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Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background