every. time.
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Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
emergency phone
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?