Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
You Might Also Like
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.