left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I created you as mosquito food.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
😂🤣😂🤣
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
getting old is fun
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”