“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
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