One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Every work meeting this week
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable