PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication