this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Oops
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.