At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
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I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
PARKOUR
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
no