My five year plan is a meteorite
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!