[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
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I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
me: my friends:
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…