Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
THIS HEADLINE
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.