A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.