I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
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Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass