[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
You Might Also Like
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
pelicons
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
The Wolf of Wall Street.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.