I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
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If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Lmao 🤣
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”