*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
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*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Hey i am sexy to you now
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?