I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
When you’re Kinky but poor
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently