“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
You Might Also Like
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning