Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
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Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
The glory of fall.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you