I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
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If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”