My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
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Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”