A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end