The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Life cycle of cat
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?