911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
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Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.