My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076